Fail post. Wrangling buffalo and drama queens.

Okay. So. I haven't spoken of the lifestyle change/diet/losing weight adventure lately, and that's because I went into serious failure the week before Halloween. It's not permanent failure, but definitely a setback. It's so freaking easy to slide back into bad habits after just one really terrible awful no good very bad day. And that is exactly what happened. A very close friend of mine delivered some really terrible news, and it scared me. As in, our situations are very similar in ways, and I freaked out that I may experience what she's going through, and I immediately headed for the brownies. Basically she has found out that after losing weight there were toxins in her body that concentrated into her system as she lost weight and it has made her very very VERY sick. So I freaked out a bit. I know that partially it's just my mindset. Her circumstances are certainly different than mine are, but I also have to bear in mind that I am not the most conscious of eaters. I know that junk food and fast food is bad for me, but that hasn't stopped me from eating it when I'm in a hurry. I know that there are terrible things in foods treated with pesticides, and meats from massive factories. I am fairly well informed. Every time we start to make the switch to organic eats, we just can't afford to make the switch.. That may sound like an excuse I guess, but it is what it is. Maybe I'm not dedicated enough. Maybe I'm not scared enough. Maybe it's just easier to buy a bag or frozen chicken nuggets and a pre-made bag of salad for dinner on a busy night. Whatever the reason may be, it freaked me out to learn what my friend is going through. What if all these things (which I know I've let enter my body, even though they're bad) don't leave my system when I lose all the weight that I need to in order to be healthy? Could this journey actually do me more harm than good? I freaked out and ate terrible things like a terrible person for a week solid, then I ate about half of the kids Halloween candy. Now I've gained back most of the 9 pounds I had managed to lose the two weeks prior, and am basically back at square one. I'm certainly not proud of this moment, and I'm not giving up either, but I am looking into ways to detoxify my body. I want to be able to do this without being terrified. I am also making more conscious decisions about what we buy and eat as a family. No, we can't really afford to switch to an all organic diet right now, but we can start the process and by next year we will be in a much better position financially to maintain it. I will lose this weight. I just have to work this out in the beginning of this process. If I don't, it may be too late.

I other news on the homefront, my poor sweet children are making me absolutely insane these days. Seriously. Izaak has been sick on and off (mostly on) for almost the last month. The doctor said it was laryngitis, but it's looking less and less like laryngitis because it wont freaking go away! The poor child has had the same cough and rattle for weeks, and the remedies we're supposed to do feel impossible. Have you ever tried to make a four ear old boy who doesn't think he's sick RELAX? It's damn near impossible... like wrangling wild buffalo impossible. Seriously. He is finally well enough to go back to school, because he's not contagious, but he's still not fully better yet either. It's absolutely frustrating as a mother to not be able to fix my child. I want to just cuddle him up and make him all better and let that be the end of it. Unfortunately we've been cuddling up with vaporizer and juice for the last three solid weeks with almost no improvement. If he's not better by the end of this week then I'll be taking him to a new and different doctor then. Why wait? You ask. We're broke. Got about $4 and a co-pay of $40. Not complaining, but it is what it is. It just has to wait. I'll update you more on Izaak as we figure it out. As for darling Evie... She's in temper tantrum mode these days. I know, that I know, that I know, that she gets the Drama Queen Gene from me, but that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with. Every single thing that happens throughout the day that goes not quite the way she expects it to, is met with an onslaught of screaming and tears and over-emotional hair throwing. Did I mention that for some reason nothing seems to go the way she expects these days? it's hard to figure out what she wants when she refuses to explain or tell anyone what she wants. We're just supposed to know and serve her as she wishes. Telepathy would be an awesome asset at this point. Since I'm not telepathic it usually ends in me screaming and yelling back and then sending her to her room. I told you she got it honestly. I always feel like a terrible parent/person/human being, and end up cuddling the tears away. Then afterwards when she's throwing another screaming fit, for God only knows what reason, I'm wishing I could strangle her, and that I'd not given in a few hours before. I know I need to grow a backbone, so wish me luck with that folks. 

And since I can hear her breaking into the candy bowl as we speak, I'd better finish this up. For every word I write she's probably eating a lollipop as quickly as possible... TTFN!

Happy Halloween!

I absolutely adore Halloween, I honestly think it's my favorite holiday. When I was younger it was about the candy (of course), as I grew up it became about the idea that I could be whoever I wanted for just one night (and still a bit about candy, I assure you.) Now that I'm a mother it's about transforming my sweet babies into whatever they want to be for the night (and about getting whatever I want out of their candy! Lol!). Seriously though, It was my 21st birthday when i found out that I was pregnant with Izaak. I was partially freaked out and devastated (because it was definitely not part of my plan!) but once I calmed down I was so excited... I was so... young minded. Not to say that I was too young to be bearing and raising a child, but I was definitely not ready for it when I first found out. The pregnancy was exciting (as you know if you've read my previous posts) and the first few weeks and even months after he was born were so surreal and amazing. Don't get me wrong they were also scary and frustrating at times, but I honestly didn't "feel" like a "Mom." I felt like... a kid playing house with my doll... Not a lot changed for me. I worked hard before he was born and I worked even hard after he got here, so there wasn't a spectacularly drastic lifestyle change or anything like that. The first time I seriously felt like a "Mom" was Izaak's second Halloween. (His first Halloween he was only two weeks old, so I was still in the whole surreal stage.) He was dressed as a puppy, just barely over a year old, and I was about 3 months pregnant with Evie. I put him in this little red wagon and drug him all over town. We took pictures at the fire station with the fire trucks, and had to feed him dum dum pops constantly to keep him in the wagon. I took him home early, fed him, bathed him, put him to bed early, and sat on my front porch and handed out candy to all the little trick-or-treaters... and at that moment, with the door cracked so that I could hear my baby if he woke up, in the cool comfortable golden light of a gorgeous fall evening, with my cup of coffee and bowl of treats... I felt like a Mom. It just hit me. The realization that my happiness no longer came from myself, or from the things that I did for myself, but that they were so completely centered in on that sweet little sleeping boy in the house. It happened without me even being conscious of the change. I had grown from a self-centered young woman who did what made her feel good in order to be happy, into a mother. A woman who puts everything about her child first, not because she has to, but because THAT is what makes her happy. This is the real reason that I am so in love with Halloween.

So, of course I took the time out to make my children Halloween costumes. They turned out to be completely adorable, and I am super freaking proud of them!

Evie wanted to be a pretty pretty pink pink princess. (That's exactly what she told me, folks. Exactly.)

So that's exactly what she got! This is the first time she wore it, and it was gorgeous, but a bit too big and a tiny bit too long, so I altered it and added some more fullness to the skirt. :D

Heavenly and magical. Halloween is my favorite!!!

Izaak wanted to be The Flash. (After MUCH deliberation, that is. He was almost Batman, or a spider, but finally settled on being The Flash. I thought he was NEVER going to decide! Lol!)

He's so tough and strong!!! <3

He kept twisting his mask around on his face, but I loooooovvvvve this picture anyways! 

He's so freaking cute! <3 <3 <3 

Happy Halloween, folks!

Adorableness. And Regret.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<WARNING: This post is kinda all over the place. My intention was to ramble about the cuteness of my kids for a minute, and it turned into a confession about things that make me sad. Sorry. But sometimes you just have to let things out, and this is something that I should've let out long ago, that I didn't, so here. Accept me, judge me, I care not. It is what it is. No more pretenses.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Realized today that every time my daughter is upset with me, she goes to her brother for a hug. Oh my how that melts my heart!!! As stressful as it has been to raise two children so close in age (barely a year apart - and always coming up with new ways to torture me. Seriously. Read this. <--- Links to an example of torture. Terrible isn't it?) Motherhood is not for the faint of heart (or faint of stomach either!) but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Being a stay at home mother of two may not have been my original plan, but oh my how I love it! I had very different dreams before becoming a mom. Sometimes I look back at them and I wonder how things may have been had I made different decisions five years ago... but I honestly don't think I would be any more or less happy than I am now. Just... different. That's not so bad. I certainly don't have regrets. I only have two serious regrets in my life. TWO THINGS that I would trade serious amounts of money to be able to go back and change. What is it you ask?

1. The decision to find out the sex of my second child before she was born. I know that may seem like no big deal to some of you, but it was a very difficult decision for me. And 2. The way that I handled, and who I allowed to handle, everything that went on while I was in labor with my daughter.

Let me explain.

With my first pregnancy, I staunchly refused to find out the sex of the baby ahead of time. I told the nurses and the ultrasound tech that I didn't want to know and to delete it out of my file so that no one could tell me. So that's what they did. Once I'd gotten brave enough to make that decision it seemed like no big deal. I told everyone to give me sensible things at my shower, gender neutral blankies, lots and lots of diapers, money for while I was a single mother on maternity leave, etc. And let me tell you. It was freaking AMAZING. As soon as I told people I didn't know, and that there was absolutely no way for anyone to find out, the debating, betting, and arguing began. There were staunch supporters of either gender and I set out to love, and find a name for him/her, no matter what. It was SOMUCHFUN! My best friend and labor coach had decided that little baby was a girl. Every time she spoke to, or about, the baby it was her this and her that all over the place. She would tell off anyone who said otherwise, and there were quite a few who disagreed. I decided at about 6 months pregnant that Code Name Floyd (which is what we called my pregnancy before I was ready to tell everyone) would be Devaniegh Faith if best friend was correct, and was completely undecided about a boy name. It took months to find and fall in love with the name Izaak, and I was out of time trying to find a middle name, it was crazy. When I went into labor everyone I knew piled into the hospital and drove the nurses crazy. Running in and out of my room, still debating the sex, making sure he/she hadn't popped out yet, it was glorious pandemonium. I was in labor for just over 24 hours. I tried to go drug free and it stressed my body out so much that after 20 hours of contractions I was not even halfway ready to push. One epidural, four hours of sleep, and fifteen minutes of pushing later, I had a sweet (disgustingly covered in gook) beautiful little boy in my arms, and a best friend who was freaking out that he was in fact, definitely, not a girl. It was overall an amazing experience. (We had finally decided on the name Mallin as a middle name. After our friend Bobby.) I wouldn't change a minute of it.

Now with my second pregnancy I felt pressured into finding out the sex as soon as possible. My friends wanted to throw me a "real" baby shower (which was sweet - but o.m.g. GAG e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I got was pepto-freaking-bismol-PINK. Unfortunately that's not an exaggeration. We got ONE item that wasn't pink, and it was an adorable little rainbow striped dress that she started wearing at about 5 months old, and still wears even now as a baby doll t-shirt. Seriously.) After finding out that she was a girl we were able to find a name we loved after just a few months, Aryella Eve, and the debate was that everyone thought that I was pregnant with twins because I was soooooo freaking huge. Nope. just one baby. I was huge because I craved butter and gained about 70 pounds. It wasn't pretty. I set a plan in place for how things would be while I was in labor, because I genuinely thought that I didn't want everything to be quite as insane as it had been the first time around. I wanted Jayce to have all of his attention on me, so I told him to relay all labor updates to one of my friends, and to have her relay updates to everyone else so that he wouldn't be on the phone all the time. I was trying to be a control freak and I seriously regret it. As far as the actual labor goes, I trusted experience and got an epidural early on, was only in labor for about 5 hours, most of which I slept through - which was nice, and the most astonishing thing about the experience was that Jayce almost fainted when he saw her coming out. The friend that I had relaying information was a total bitch about everything when she talked to people. She caused A TON of drama between me and some of my absolute closest friends that had to be worked out in the days after my labor when I should have been resting. Because of things she said only two or three people came to see me in the hospital, and it was disappointing. my relationship with her was never the same again, and we aren't even friends anymore. Haven't spoken in over a year. (Which I know has more to do with decisions I've made other than this experience, but those decisions are ones I will NEVER regret.) Folks, I love love love my daughter. I wouldn't change anything about her. I would definitely change my behavior and decisions at the time she was born though.

Me vs. Food - Me:0 Food:1

Well, folks. I have no self-control. Seriously though, I did a lot better yesterday making conscious good decisions about my food intake than I did on Day 1. So I have some self-control. We'll say my self-control is building. Okay.

Day 1: I went 1,402 calories over my daily goal intake.
Day 2: I went 1,440 over. Actually though, I would have been right at my goal if I hadn't broken down and had a cup of Starbucks. Which, even with non-fat creamer, has over 500 calories in it. And a few drinks with my dinner... Vodka Sours. Definitely contributed to the overage. BUT SOOOO YUMMY.

Now, I do know that losing weight isn't just about counting calories and carbs, BUT I have to make myself accountable for the amount of food that I'm eating just because I'm stressed. I will never be able to maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle if I don't force myself to break the habits of eating even when I'm not hungry. And apparently drinking things that I'm not supposed to... Like anything other than water... :/

I'd say yesterday was an OKAY day.

It would have been a GOOD day if I had made time for an hour of exercise.

It would have been a GREAT day if not only had I exercised, but not had that stupid Starbucks as a snack or alcohol with my dinner.

Now, I'm struggling with setting a time of exercise aside in my day. I kept telling myself, that I would "make time for it later" aaaallllllll dddaaaaaayyyyyyy lllloooooonnnnng. I didn't. I cleaned my house. I folded laundry. I washed dishes. I fed/bathed/dressed/cared for my children. But not once did I make a point to engage in a physical activity. I just kept putting it off. So today, I am going to take the kids to the park to hike on the nature trail after lunch. Maybe we'll have enough fun that we can make a habit of it. That would be great.

In other news on the home-front: My son called my daughter a bitch yesterday. We DO NOT use this kind of language in front of our children, so I seriously doubt that he actually knows what it means. I asked him, and he said he didn't know, and that he doesn't know where he heard it, or who said it. Basically he's not admitting to anything. We had a discussion about how adults sometimes use words that aren't very nice, and that "bitch" was one of those words. I explained that it was not a word that he should use, because it can hurt people's feelings, and being the compassionate little fellow he is, he promised not to say it again because he doesn't want to hurt people. I REALLY hope he follows through with that one. I'm hoping I handled it the  way I should have. Being a parent is certainly complicated. Lol!


P.S. Oh yeah! I almost forgot about the "before" pics for my journey... I did take some, but I look a hot mess. So... just. Be warned.