Adorableness. And Regret.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<WARNING: This post is kinda all over the place. My intention was to ramble about the cuteness of my kids for a minute, and it turned into a confession about things that make me sad. Sorry. But sometimes you just have to let things out, and this is something that I should've let out long ago, that I didn't, so here. Accept me, judge me, I care not. It is what it is. No more pretenses.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Realized today that every time my daughter is upset with me, she goes to her brother for a hug. Oh my how that melts my heart!!! As stressful as it has been to raise two children so close in age (barely a year apart - and always coming up with new ways to torture me. Seriously. Read this. <--- Links to an example of torture. Terrible isn't it?) Motherhood is not for the faint of heart (or faint of stomach either!) but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Being a stay at home mother of two may not have been my original plan, but oh my how I love it! I had very different dreams before becoming a mom. Sometimes I look back at them and I wonder how things may have been had I made different decisions five years ago... but I honestly don't think I would be any more or less happy than I am now. Just... different. That's not so bad. I certainly don't have regrets. I only have two serious regrets in my life. TWO THINGS that I would trade serious amounts of money to be able to go back and change. What is it you ask?

1. The decision to find out the sex of my second child before she was born. I know that may seem like no big deal to some of you, but it was a very difficult decision for me. And 2. The way that I handled, and who I allowed to handle, everything that went on while I was in labor with my daughter.

Let me explain.

With my first pregnancy, I staunchly refused to find out the sex of the baby ahead of time. I told the nurses and the ultrasound tech that I didn't want to know and to delete it out of my file so that no one could tell me. So that's what they did. Once I'd gotten brave enough to make that decision it seemed like no big deal. I told everyone to give me sensible things at my shower, gender neutral blankies, lots and lots of diapers, money for while I was a single mother on maternity leave, etc. And let me tell you. It was freaking AMAZING. As soon as I told people I didn't know, and that there was absolutely no way for anyone to find out, the debating, betting, and arguing began. There were staunch supporters of either gender and I set out to love, and find a name for him/her, no matter what. It was SOMUCHFUN! My best friend and labor coach had decided that little baby was a girl. Every time she spoke to, or about, the baby it was her this and her that all over the place. She would tell off anyone who said otherwise, and there were quite a few who disagreed. I decided at about 6 months pregnant that Code Name Floyd (which is what we called my pregnancy before I was ready to tell everyone) would be Devaniegh Faith if best friend was correct, and was completely undecided about a boy name. It took months to find and fall in love with the name Izaak, and I was out of time trying to find a middle name, it was crazy. When I went into labor everyone I knew piled into the hospital and drove the nurses crazy. Running in and out of my room, still debating the sex, making sure he/she hadn't popped out yet, it was glorious pandemonium. I was in labor for just over 24 hours. I tried to go drug free and it stressed my body out so much that after 20 hours of contractions I was not even halfway ready to push. One epidural, four hours of sleep, and fifteen minutes of pushing later, I had a sweet (disgustingly covered in gook) beautiful little boy in my arms, and a best friend who was freaking out that he was in fact, definitely, not a girl. It was overall an amazing experience. (We had finally decided on the name Mallin as a middle name. After our friend Bobby.) I wouldn't change a minute of it.

Now with my second pregnancy I felt pressured into finding out the sex as soon as possible. My friends wanted to throw me a "real" baby shower (which was sweet - but o.m.g. GAG e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I got was pepto-freaking-bismol-PINK. Unfortunately that's not an exaggeration. We got ONE item that wasn't pink, and it was an adorable little rainbow striped dress that she started wearing at about 5 months old, and still wears even now as a baby doll t-shirt. Seriously.) After finding out that she was a girl we were able to find a name we loved after just a few months, Aryella Eve, and the debate was that everyone thought that I was pregnant with twins because I was soooooo freaking huge. Nope. just one baby. I was huge because I craved butter and gained about 70 pounds. It wasn't pretty. I set a plan in place for how things would be while I was in labor, because I genuinely thought that I didn't want everything to be quite as insane as it had been the first time around. I wanted Jayce to have all of his attention on me, so I told him to relay all labor updates to one of my friends, and to have her relay updates to everyone else so that he wouldn't be on the phone all the time. I was trying to be a control freak and I seriously regret it. As far as the actual labor goes, I trusted experience and got an epidural early on, was only in labor for about 5 hours, most of which I slept through - which was nice, and the most astonishing thing about the experience was that Jayce almost fainted when he saw her coming out. The friend that I had relaying information was a total bitch about everything when she talked to people. She caused A TON of drama between me and some of my absolute closest friends that had to be worked out in the days after my labor when I should have been resting. Because of things she said only two or three people came to see me in the hospital, and it was disappointing. my relationship with her was never the same again, and we aren't even friends anymore. Haven't spoken in over a year. (Which I know has more to do with decisions I've made other than this experience, but those decisions are ones I will NEVER regret.) Folks, I love love love my daughter. I wouldn't change anything about her. I would definitely change my behavior and decisions at the time she was born though.