Fail post. Wrangling buffalo and drama queens.

Okay. So. I haven't spoken of the lifestyle change/diet/losing weight adventure lately, and that's because I went into serious failure the week before Halloween. It's not permanent failure, but definitely a setback. It's so freaking easy to slide back into bad habits after just one really terrible awful no good very bad day. And that is exactly what happened. A very close friend of mine delivered some really terrible news, and it scared me. As in, our situations are very similar in ways, and I freaked out that I may experience what she's going through, and I immediately headed for the brownies. Basically she has found out that after losing weight there were toxins in her body that concentrated into her system as she lost weight and it has made her very very VERY sick. So I freaked out a bit. I know that partially it's just my mindset. Her circumstances are certainly different than mine are, but I also have to bear in mind that I am not the most conscious of eaters. I know that junk food and fast food is bad for me, but that hasn't stopped me from eating it when I'm in a hurry. I know that there are terrible things in foods treated with pesticides, and meats from massive factories. I am fairly well informed. Every time we start to make the switch to organic eats, we just can't afford to make the switch.. That may sound like an excuse I guess, but it is what it is. Maybe I'm not dedicated enough. Maybe I'm not scared enough. Maybe it's just easier to buy a bag or frozen chicken nuggets and a pre-made bag of salad for dinner on a busy night. Whatever the reason may be, it freaked me out to learn what my friend is going through. What if all these things (which I know I've let enter my body, even though they're bad) don't leave my system when I lose all the weight that I need to in order to be healthy? Could this journey actually do me more harm than good? I freaked out and ate terrible things like a terrible person for a week solid, then I ate about half of the kids Halloween candy. Now I've gained back most of the 9 pounds I had managed to lose the two weeks prior, and am basically back at square one. I'm certainly not proud of this moment, and I'm not giving up either, but I am looking into ways to detoxify my body. I want to be able to do this without being terrified. I am also making more conscious decisions about what we buy and eat as a family. No, we can't really afford to switch to an all organic diet right now, but we can start the process and by next year we will be in a much better position financially to maintain it. I will lose this weight. I just have to work this out in the beginning of this process. If I don't, it may be too late.

I other news on the homefront, my poor sweet children are making me absolutely insane these days. Seriously. Izaak has been sick on and off (mostly on) for almost the last month. The doctor said it was laryngitis, but it's looking less and less like laryngitis because it wont freaking go away! The poor child has had the same cough and rattle for weeks, and the remedies we're supposed to do feel impossible. Have you ever tried to make a four ear old boy who doesn't think he's sick RELAX? It's damn near impossible... like wrangling wild buffalo impossible. Seriously. He is finally well enough to go back to school, because he's not contagious, but he's still not fully better yet either. It's absolutely frustrating as a mother to not be able to fix my child. I want to just cuddle him up and make him all better and let that be the end of it. Unfortunately we've been cuddling up with vaporizer and juice for the last three solid weeks with almost no improvement. If he's not better by the end of this week then I'll be taking him to a new and different doctor then. Why wait? You ask. We're broke. Got about $4 and a co-pay of $40. Not complaining, but it is what it is. It just has to wait. I'll update you more on Izaak as we figure it out. As for darling Evie... She's in temper tantrum mode these days. I know, that I know, that I know, that she gets the Drama Queen Gene from me, but that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with. Every single thing that happens throughout the day that goes not quite the way she expects it to, is met with an onslaught of screaming and tears and over-emotional hair throwing. Did I mention that for some reason nothing seems to go the way she expects these days? it's hard to figure out what she wants when she refuses to explain or tell anyone what she wants. We're just supposed to know and serve her as she wishes. Telepathy would be an awesome asset at this point. Since I'm not telepathic it usually ends in me screaming and yelling back and then sending her to her room. I told you she got it honestly. I always feel like a terrible parent/person/human being, and end up cuddling the tears away. Then afterwards when she's throwing another screaming fit, for God only knows what reason, I'm wishing I could strangle her, and that I'd not given in a few hours before. I know I need to grow a backbone, so wish me luck with that folks. 

And since I can hear her breaking into the candy bowl as we speak, I'd better finish this up. For every word I write she's probably eating a lollipop as quickly as possible... TTFN!

Happy Halloween!

I absolutely adore Halloween, I honestly think it's my favorite holiday. When I was younger it was about the candy (of course), as I grew up it became about the idea that I could be whoever I wanted for just one night (and still a bit about candy, I assure you.) Now that I'm a mother it's about transforming my sweet babies into whatever they want to be for the night (and about getting whatever I want out of their candy! Lol!). Seriously though, It was my 21st birthday when i found out that I was pregnant with Izaak. I was partially freaked out and devastated (because it was definitely not part of my plan!) but once I calmed down I was so excited... I was so... young minded. Not to say that I was too young to be bearing and raising a child, but I was definitely not ready for it when I first found out. The pregnancy was exciting (as you know if you've read my previous posts) and the first few weeks and even months after he was born were so surreal and amazing. Don't get me wrong they were also scary and frustrating at times, but I honestly didn't "feel" like a "Mom." I felt like... a kid playing house with my doll... Not a lot changed for me. I worked hard before he was born and I worked even hard after he got here, so there wasn't a spectacularly drastic lifestyle change or anything like that. The first time I seriously felt like a "Mom" was Izaak's second Halloween. (His first Halloween he was only two weeks old, so I was still in the whole surreal stage.) He was dressed as a puppy, just barely over a year old, and I was about 3 months pregnant with Evie. I put him in this little red wagon and drug him all over town. We took pictures at the fire station with the fire trucks, and had to feed him dum dum pops constantly to keep him in the wagon. I took him home early, fed him, bathed him, put him to bed early, and sat on my front porch and handed out candy to all the little trick-or-treaters... and at that moment, with the door cracked so that I could hear my baby if he woke up, in the cool comfortable golden light of a gorgeous fall evening, with my cup of coffee and bowl of treats... I felt like a Mom. It just hit me. The realization that my happiness no longer came from myself, or from the things that I did for myself, but that they were so completely centered in on that sweet little sleeping boy in the house. It happened without me even being conscious of the change. I had grown from a self-centered young woman who did what made her feel good in order to be happy, into a mother. A woman who puts everything about her child first, not because she has to, but because THAT is what makes her happy. This is the real reason that I am so in love with Halloween.

So, of course I took the time out to make my children Halloween costumes. They turned out to be completely adorable, and I am super freaking proud of them!

Evie wanted to be a pretty pretty pink pink princess. (That's exactly what she told me, folks. Exactly.)

So that's exactly what she got! This is the first time she wore it, and it was gorgeous, but a bit too big and a tiny bit too long, so I altered it and added some more fullness to the skirt. :D

Heavenly and magical. Halloween is my favorite!!!

Izaak wanted to be The Flash. (After MUCH deliberation, that is. He was almost Batman, or a spider, but finally settled on being The Flash. I thought he was NEVER going to decide! Lol!)

He's so tough and strong!!! <3

He kept twisting his mask around on his face, but I loooooovvvvve this picture anyways! 

He's so freaking cute! <3 <3 <3 

Happy Halloween, folks!

Adorableness. And Regret.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<WARNING: This post is kinda all over the place. My intention was to ramble about the cuteness of my kids for a minute, and it turned into a confession about things that make me sad. Sorry. But sometimes you just have to let things out, and this is something that I should've let out long ago, that I didn't, so here. Accept me, judge me, I care not. It is what it is. No more pretenses.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Realized today that every time my daughter is upset with me, she goes to her brother for a hug. Oh my how that melts my heart!!! As stressful as it has been to raise two children so close in age (barely a year apart - and always coming up with new ways to torture me. Seriously. Read this. <--- Links to an example of torture. Terrible isn't it?) Motherhood is not for the faint of heart (or faint of stomach either!) but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Being a stay at home mother of two may not have been my original plan, but oh my how I love it! I had very different dreams before becoming a mom. Sometimes I look back at them and I wonder how things may have been had I made different decisions five years ago... but I honestly don't think I would be any more or less happy than I am now. Just... different. That's not so bad. I certainly don't have regrets. I only have two serious regrets in my life. TWO THINGS that I would trade serious amounts of money to be able to go back and change. What is it you ask?

1. The decision to find out the sex of my second child before she was born. I know that may seem like no big deal to some of you, but it was a very difficult decision for me. And 2. The way that I handled, and who I allowed to handle, everything that went on while I was in labor with my daughter.

Let me explain.

With my first pregnancy, I staunchly refused to find out the sex of the baby ahead of time. I told the nurses and the ultrasound tech that I didn't want to know and to delete it out of my file so that no one could tell me. So that's what they did. Once I'd gotten brave enough to make that decision it seemed like no big deal. I told everyone to give me sensible things at my shower, gender neutral blankies, lots and lots of diapers, money for while I was a single mother on maternity leave, etc. And let me tell you. It was freaking AMAZING. As soon as I told people I didn't know, and that there was absolutely no way for anyone to find out, the debating, betting, and arguing began. There were staunch supporters of either gender and I set out to love, and find a name for him/her, no matter what. It was SOMUCHFUN! My best friend and labor coach had decided that little baby was a girl. Every time she spoke to, or about, the baby it was her this and her that all over the place. She would tell off anyone who said otherwise, and there were quite a few who disagreed. I decided at about 6 months pregnant that Code Name Floyd (which is what we called my pregnancy before I was ready to tell everyone) would be Devaniegh Faith if best friend was correct, and was completely undecided about a boy name. It took months to find and fall in love with the name Izaak, and I was out of time trying to find a middle name, it was crazy. When I went into labor everyone I knew piled into the hospital and drove the nurses crazy. Running in and out of my room, still debating the sex, making sure he/she hadn't popped out yet, it was glorious pandemonium. I was in labor for just over 24 hours. I tried to go drug free and it stressed my body out so much that after 20 hours of contractions I was not even halfway ready to push. One epidural, four hours of sleep, and fifteen minutes of pushing later, I had a sweet (disgustingly covered in gook) beautiful little boy in my arms, and a best friend who was freaking out that he was in fact, definitely, not a girl. It was overall an amazing experience. (We had finally decided on the name Mallin as a middle name. After our friend Bobby.) I wouldn't change a minute of it.

Now with my second pregnancy I felt pressured into finding out the sex as soon as possible. My friends wanted to throw me a "real" baby shower (which was sweet - but o.m.g. GAG e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I got was pepto-freaking-bismol-PINK. Unfortunately that's not an exaggeration. We got ONE item that wasn't pink, and it was an adorable little rainbow striped dress that she started wearing at about 5 months old, and still wears even now as a baby doll t-shirt. Seriously.) After finding out that she was a girl we were able to find a name we loved after just a few months, Aryella Eve, and the debate was that everyone thought that I was pregnant with twins because I was soooooo freaking huge. Nope. just one baby. I was huge because I craved butter and gained about 70 pounds. It wasn't pretty. I set a plan in place for how things would be while I was in labor, because I genuinely thought that I didn't want everything to be quite as insane as it had been the first time around. I wanted Jayce to have all of his attention on me, so I told him to relay all labor updates to one of my friends, and to have her relay updates to everyone else so that he wouldn't be on the phone all the time. I was trying to be a control freak and I seriously regret it. As far as the actual labor goes, I trusted experience and got an epidural early on, was only in labor for about 5 hours, most of which I slept through - which was nice, and the most astonishing thing about the experience was that Jayce almost fainted when he saw her coming out. The friend that I had relaying information was a total bitch about everything when she talked to people. She caused A TON of drama between me and some of my absolute closest friends that had to be worked out in the days after my labor when I should have been resting. Because of things she said only two or three people came to see me in the hospital, and it was disappointing. my relationship with her was never the same again, and we aren't even friends anymore. Haven't spoken in over a year. (Which I know has more to do with decisions I've made other than this experience, but those decisions are ones I will NEVER regret.) Folks, I love love love my daughter. I wouldn't change anything about her. I would definitely change my behavior and decisions at the time she was born though.

Me vs. Food - Me:0 Food:1

Well, folks. I have no self-control. Seriously though, I did a lot better yesterday making conscious good decisions about my food intake than I did on Day 1. So I have some self-control. We'll say my self-control is building. Okay.

Day 1: I went 1,402 calories over my daily goal intake.
Day 2: I went 1,440 over. Actually though, I would have been right at my goal if I hadn't broken down and had a cup of Starbucks. Which, even with non-fat creamer, has over 500 calories in it. And a few drinks with my dinner... Vodka Sours. Definitely contributed to the overage. BUT SOOOO YUMMY.

Now, I do know that losing weight isn't just about counting calories and carbs, BUT I have to make myself accountable for the amount of food that I'm eating just because I'm stressed. I will never be able to maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle if I don't force myself to break the habits of eating even when I'm not hungry. And apparently drinking things that I'm not supposed to... Like anything other than water... :/

I'd say yesterday was an OKAY day.

It would have been a GOOD day if I had made time for an hour of exercise.

It would have been a GREAT day if not only had I exercised, but not had that stupid Starbucks as a snack or alcohol with my dinner.

Now, I'm struggling with setting a time of exercise aside in my day. I kept telling myself, that I would "make time for it later" aaaallllllll dddaaaaaayyyyyyy lllloooooonnnnng. I didn't. I cleaned my house. I folded laundry. I washed dishes. I fed/bathed/dressed/cared for my children. But not once did I make a point to engage in a physical activity. I just kept putting it off. So today, I am going to take the kids to the park to hike on the nature trail after lunch. Maybe we'll have enough fun that we can make a habit of it. That would be great.

In other news on the home-front: My son called my daughter a bitch yesterday. We DO NOT use this kind of language in front of our children, so I seriously doubt that he actually knows what it means. I asked him, and he said he didn't know, and that he doesn't know where he heard it, or who said it. Basically he's not admitting to anything. We had a discussion about how adults sometimes use words that aren't very nice, and that "bitch" was one of those words. I explained that it was not a word that he should use, because it can hurt people's feelings, and being the compassionate little fellow he is, he promised not to say it again because he doesn't want to hurt people. I REALLY hope he follows through with that one. I'm hoping I handled it the  way I should have. Being a parent is certainly complicated. Lol!


P.S. Oh yeah! I almost forgot about the "before" pics for my journey... I did take some, but I look a hot mess. So... just. Be warned.

Please read this!

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers and well wishes. We appreciate it so much. Part of this last week has really brought a lot of us in the family to the realization that it is too often death which brings us together. There are some members of my family whom I only see once a year. If that. Literally. I would really like to do whatever I can to change that. We really don't live that far away from each other, and I suppose that means there are not many excuses for letting things go on the way that they have. I think that sometimes we get to caught up in the details of our own lives that sometimes extended family can become somewhat of an obligation. Letting this continue isn't a regret that I can bear to live with. (If your family isn't like this, then thank God. It's a treasure.) I hate that our distant relatives are so... distant. It's not something I can blame on anyone but myself either. I can't remember the last time I went out of my way to forge a closer relationship with any of them. But I'm going to now. It's not like we're going to live forever, and hopefully my life, our lives, the lives of our children, will only be richer from the effort.

Also, and this may be cheesy or cliche - but it is what it is, this week was a huge eye opener for me health-wise. I am obese. There is a serious amount of family history of not only obesity, but heart conditions and diabetes as well. I have got to make a change in my life, not only for me and what little bit of vanity I have left at this point, but for my children as well.

Let's look at it this way. Children who are raised by parents who have eating habits like my own (unhealthy emotional overeating, bad habits of binge eating with unhealthy foods, not enough balance of raw fruits and vegetables vs. junk food that makes me feel better, etc.) Children with one obese parent are 50% more likely to become obese by the age of 5 and stay that way. Children who remain obese up into the 10 - 13 age range have an 80% chance of being an obese adult. (All these statistics, and more, can be found at http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/obesity_in_children_and_teens) I know my children are only 2 and 4, but I am endangering their chances at being healthy for the rest of their lives with my behavior. That is completely unacceptable in my eyes, so I have been looking into tools to help me regain control over my eating habits, my emotional issues, and my life as a woman and as a parent.

I currently weigh in at 245lbs. and my BMI is currently a whopping 42. I am only 5'4". My goal weight is 146lbs. - 150lbs. with a BMI of 25. I can do this. It's almost 100lbs. Which is a huge goal for me, but I believe with a proper overhaul in my eating habits, a moderate amount of exercise, and a TON of support. I CAN DO THIS. I have to.

SO, I've tried "dieting" and it is not for me. I have had a gym membership, and it basically was a flop. Programs where I have to do this on my own do me no good. I started looking into the Thrive!Weightloss Program, and while it seems like exactly what I'm looking for, I just don't have the funds to sign up for it right now. Fortunately, a friend of mine from high school posted a link on facebook yesterday for http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ which is basically everything that Thrive! offers on it's online version from what I can tell. It has a lot of helpful tools for helping you track what goes into your body as far as food and exercise, helps track your goals for both, and respective progress of course, and I already made an account. Best of all, it's free. And there's an app for my phone which makes it even easier to keep track of my day, and keep myself accountable. This entire plan, by the way, starts yesterday.

Yesterday I wrote everything I put into my mouth into the food diary without making any changes to my normally terrible eating habits. I consume twice the amount of calories that I should on any given day. Which is scary, because I really don't eat that much. It's the quality of food that I'm eating. The food I registered in my nutritional counter yesterday was all fat, carbs, and cholesterol and almost no nutrients. The coffee I get at Starbucks almost every day has 815 calories in it, not to mention almost all of the sugar I should consume in a day. It was definitely an eye opener. If I continue to eat and live the way that I do right now, I will never be able to be the person that I should, that I deserve to be, the parent that my kids deserve, and I will always be miserable.

CONFESSION: The worst part of being an emotional over-eater is that eating calms me down, makes me feel better, so much so that sometimes it's a reflex now rather than an outright decision. BUT a large portion of my stress and self-disgust comes from my weight. They way that I look. The way that I feel. It effects every aspect of my life in a detrimental way, but I still do it because it makes me feel better even if it's just for a minute. A lot of people in my life have no clue that this is the kind of person that I am. I portray to the world, that I am confident, beautiful, and that I love the way I look. That's part of the reason why I'm putting it all out there. No more pretending. No more pretenses. Most days I really hate myself. I eat normally and healthy when I'm around friends and family, and then when my kids lay down for a nap I add butter and cheese to a can of ravioli, mix it up and eat it like soup. I feel guilty, but it doesn't stop me. Whenever I've asked people before to keep me accountable, I've stuck with it for a few weeks, and then started lying to them about what I ate because I was ashamed. I can't do it anymore. If I keep it up it will kill me and harm my children.

I am officially ready to make a change, be honest about it, and be the person that I know I am rather than the one I have been. Who's with me?

P.S. I was going to post a "before" photo but I don't even have a picture of myself that includes any amount of my body. Seriously. So, I'll take one this afternoon, and that can be tomorrow's post.

Okay, wow.

So, I know I've been entirely too long between posts you guys, BUT a ridiculous amount has been going on around here lately, and the "having-time-to-type-it-all-up" just HAS NOT been there. I do have a few minutes right now though, so here we go!

1. After finishing the bridesmaid's dresses I sort of shut down for a few days. I also came to the realization that until both of my children are in school, I won't be able to take on any more large scale projects or commissions. Sad day. Sad face. Sad me. However, it's reality. I have too much on my plate already as a mom/housewife/daughter/friend/alterative that when I add a huge commission or project, there is no balance. I end up procrastinating until I only have a few weeks or days to finish the project, and then I have to neglect most (or all) other duties until the commission is finished. While this allows me to continue to produce beautiful work, and makes me feel creatively accomplished... It's completely exhausting. It's not fair to my children. It's not fair to my husband. It's not fair to my sister, who in her kind and generous self found the courage to come clean our house, cook our meals, and care for our children, while I holed up in my sewing room for a week. SO, despite the gorgeousness of these dresses...

Sorry I don't have a better picture than this yet. Lol! I seriously love this one though, it's super cute!

They are my last big project for about the next year...

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2. We have inherited a kitten. Her name is now Kitty Gir.

For those of you who are familiar with Invader Zim, yes. That's where the name came from. 

I know, I know, I did in fact post on facebook that we couldn't keep her. The truth is, we love her, and we are keeping her despite the fact that we probably shouldn't. Reasons why we shouldn't? Those have to wait. I wanted to tell you guys now, but was told we have to wait till the end of the year to make THAT general announcement. Those of you who are privileged enough to already know... SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH. It's still a secret.

Now, Moving on. Anyone who knows me well, also knows that I am not a huge fan of having pets. I have many reasons, among those being that growing up we had a zillion pets all the time and while occasionally that was super-cool, most of the time it kinda sucked. I hated having to clean up after them... the responsibility of it all... and well... I was a kid. We had 4 dogs, 2 cats, 3 birds, 2 horses, and a whole freaking flock of chickens. Not to mention the random snakes and lizards that we took in on a regular basis as well. So yeah, I've resisted the urge to have a pet around the house. BUT this kitten was in need of rescue, not to speak too badly of our neighbors (I won't say which ones), but they dumped her in the street because they didn't want her. TWICE. Evie was the one that found her both freaking times. Ridiculous.

Also, we've tried having puppies. I have given the pet thing a try. I'm not a completely heartless bitch. Two different pups in the last year actually. Both of them have been given away to better homes. I don't like to talk about it. Apparently I am not a dog person. Enough said. Good thing Kitty Gir is a kitten, right? Lol! 

Another factor, I have constantly stated that  it's impossible enough to be potty training children, I don't want to have to house break an animal at the same time. Well, Kitty Gir is apparently already litter-box trained. Not a single accident in four days, and my husband is somewhat frustrated that she's not given us a reason to re-home her. 

So then we're thinking, a small petite little 8 week old kitty will never last between our two rambunctious heathens... Right? Well. That was probably the assumption on which we were most incorrect. Sweet Evie treats her like a rag doll, flopping her everywhere, and the damn cat loves it. Seriously she does just about anything either of the kids wants her to, and when she gets tired of playing she goes upstairs and hides in my closet. (SSSSHHHHHH, don't tell Izaak and Evie her hiding spot!) She's an angel with the kids. 

Seriously.

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3. My Nana passed away this week. She was 84 years of awesome. 

This is the woman who was so strict one minute, and the next we'd be cuddled on the couch watching soap operas. She was a pillar of strength, wisdom, and absolute faith. 

She is the woman who taught me how to wear a dress in public, all about the love of God, how to iron my clothes, how to sew, and how to cook bacon without burning it. She was fair, she was a spit-fire, she was so loyal. She got her driver's license for the first time, and bought her first car, at the age of 61. She was comfortable, and solid, set in her ways. Nana was a collector of salt and pepper shaker sets. Seriously, she had 409 unique sets from all over the world. Every time we went to her house we would help her dust them and then sit in the hall and use them to play out fantastical stories. I'll be meeting up with my aunt soon to get a few. I'll show you guys then, there were some really amazing pieces. Also, when she let her guard down she was an absolute romantic at heart. 

This is the woman who moved to Michigan and married my grandfather after her first love went off to war (and had decided to try out some local flavor), they were reconnected by some mutual friends and fell in love all over again. When she was in her seventies. This is, of course, after having laid Papa to rest many years before (he passed when I was only 2 years old.) After having raised five children. After being a loving and proud grandmother of seven, and an even more proud great-grandmother of eleven. Even in her advanced stages of dementia she fell in love with him yet again in the form of a sweet little old man who lived down the hall from her in the nursing home. Ty, even though you weren't my papa, thank you for giving my grandmother some of the happiest years of her life. Especially this last one. You gave her something to hold onto, even though it may have just been a memory, you brought her the greatest joy in her last year on earth. 

I can only hope to be the kind of woman that she would have been proud of. I love you Nana.

Nana with my dad and her daughters on her 84th birthday last month. Rest in peace. <3 

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Well.

I was going to write a new post. I changed my mind though. I'm tired. My head hurts. Above all of that though, I'm really not feeling very much like I can come up with how I want to say exactly what I want to say. So I'll try to say it later.

Peace.

So sorry...

It's been too long between posts, and for that I ah-pah-loh-giiiiize. For real. I've been working on some deeply fabulous bridesmaids zippers < holy geez folks, these invisible zippers are haunting me. I meant dresses. Bridesmaid dresses. Due to this I have barely had time to keep my house at the barely livable level of clean, much less take the time to post a blog.

(Well, barely livable by MY standards. I would NOT want anyone to think I'm a nasty person, so here's a bit of aside: I'm generally a pretty OCD clean freak about things, total organization, etc. and so what may be acceptable to some causes my blood pressure to rise. I didn't used to be like that, but I, my dears, am living proof that people can force themselves to change. Yes, "force" is the correct verb there. It takes serious effort, and a bit of a kick in the ass. I promise. Definitely a painful process. But anyways.)

I will DEFINITELY post photos of the dresses as soon as the wedding is over, so be looking for that on the 25th, or 26th if I find a way to sleep all day the Sunday after the wedding. (Anyone wanna adopt my kids for the day so that I can? You'd be my hero. Shameless, I know, but it is what it is.)

So, to catch up on other things in the McAllister-verse: Went consignment sale shopping with my mother-in-law this Saturday and bought almost everything that my kids will need clothing-wise to make it through the next season (btw: YAY IT'S FINALLY FALL!!!), and only spent $86. We bought 41 items. That's serious savings folks. Especially when they're outgrowing the clothing faster than I can buy them. I'm serious. Izaak is already wearing a size 6. He's not even 4 yet. And I have to shop out of the children's section now instead of the baby one. Sad day.

Evie has started expanding her vocabulary which is seriously exciting. I was starting to worry. Izaak began speaking at such a young age, and so well, that her inclination to pantomime noiselessly and for so long, was completely frustrating. Yay for a crack in the dam! Words are beginning to pour out like a freaking flood. Double yay!

Also, my dear sweet son decided to poop in the backyard. I guess he figured that because it was okay to pee in the bushes, that any sort of function out there was acceptable. Grr. And ew. Definitely ew. He also tried to pee on Evie today while they were playing outside. Is this normal??? Boys are gross.

Big news coming this week folks. Prepare yourselves.

See you again after the 25th!!! <3

Memories!

So, I was watching a National Geographic special on sea monsters with my son today.

(YET AGAIN, FOLKS, YET AGAIN. Yes, I do in fact have a 3 year old who watches National Geographic documentaries. He loves them. Kid is BEAST.)


Here is a picture of him READING AN ENCYCLOPEDIA. Yes. I'm serious.

BEASTLINESS IN ACTION.

And this particular film reminded me of the time when I was a kid, say around 10/11 years old, I wanted to be an archaeologist, or a paleontologist, FOR REAL. It was absolutely my dream. I read books upon books on fossils and ruins, knowing that one day I would be that girl covered in dirt or grime, in the desert or rain forest, discovering some amazing link in history. I was a nerd, and I was planning on being a seriously famous nerd. I outgrew that obsession  right around the same time I sprouted breasts overnight and discovered boys. BUT I have sooooooo many places in the world I want to see due to this part of my life.

Angkor. Beautiful and mysteriously amazing. I must experience this place one day.

I seriously want to just pack up and travel the world. I mean, really though, who doesn't?

The pyramids of Giza. Stereotypical? I care not!

Obviously these are only two teeny tiny examples, seeing as how the entire countries of France and Ireland aren't on here, neither is London, or Japan, or.... well, you get the picture, but I'm definitely not in the mood to search out and post a gazillion photos..... So you'll just have to deal with these two and use your imagination for the rest... **imagining...imagining...imagining** Le sigh. (I know right! Beautiful aren't they?)

Where do you want to go? See? Experience? AND how do paleontologists know what color a dolichorhynchops was? Just wondering if anybody knows... 

Being a mother...

My children are amazing.

Sweet Izaak came to me yesterday when I was upset. He leaned in close and said, "Mom. You are a good mom. Sometimes you scare me. But then I listen. So it's okay." I cried and hugged him close to my chest. He then pushes me away and states, "Mom. You can't hold my face in your boobies. You're going to make me turn into a girl. Stop that." Oh. My. Gawd. There are no words for how much I love this child.

Evie's adorable moment of the weekend at first requires a bit of explanation. I call her Evie Eve and then we rub noses. It's our little thing we do that makes my heart warm. So I'm sitting reading a book, and Evie randomly climbs into my lap, rubs her nose against mine, and says, "Mommy Mom!" <3 Explosion of pride/love/happiness in my heart.

               

       
         There is no greater feeling in the entire universe.

Perfection?

I. Am. NOT. Perfect.
Seriously.

I know you're all shocked and dismayed at the revelation, but there it is.
All out in the open.

Let us discuss my feelings.

I try to be a great wife, amazing mom, awesome friend, completely professional and perfectly balanced businesswoman, fashionable and unique woman, and sometimes I fail at those things. Not usually all at once, mind you, but I occasionally drop the ball. Let's be honest. We ALL DO IT. At least every now and then I find myself wondering how I'm supposed to accomplish half of what's on my plate, much less all of it. (If you were a therapist, at this point you'd be saying, "Tell me more about that...")
Don't misunderstand...I'm not talking about some serious discretion here.

I've never cheated on my husband, my children are well cared for, I'm there when I say I will be, I produce very good work despite chronic procrastination, and I dress well enough that no one has ever guessed how much I really weigh. (Seriously everyone is at least 50 lbs. off without fail, and I take that as a compliment to my fashion sense.)

BUT. Whenever I do drop the ball, it bounces so far away it takes me weeks to get back on track... Blegh. This has been one of those weeks. Professionally, I overbooked myself. Between having a wedding I'm working on coming up in just a few short weeks, and having committed myself to Relay for Life, I have had nowhere near enough time in each day to get everything finished that I needed to. Fail. Which has led to a rush in the sewing room, (as much as I love doing relay THANK GOD IT'S OVER.) and a serious amount of procrastination in my personal life. Which makes me feel like a total failure as a wife and mother. It stresses me to know that my kids are playing in a room with toys cluttered in the floor instead of neatly lined on shelves, and that my husband comes home to laundry cluttered on the kitchen table (I don't have a freaking laundry room, my washer and dryer are in my kitchen. It is hell.) and having take-out for dinner when I really should have made the time to at least wash the pots in the sink and thaw out some chicken so that he could cook if he wanted too. Le sigh. How in the hell did women manage to be so freaking perfect in the '50's and '60's??? I don't know. I wish I had the energy, gumption, what the hell ever it took to make it happen, that I could raise excellent children/ have a beautiful, organized, and clean house/ have dinner at least somewhat ready/ always look cute instead of run-down and exhausted/ and still make it to all of my commitments friendly/professional/or otherwise.
Is this even possible anymore?????
Help.

Hello there...

Welcome to the thoughts of Kim. 

 Seriously, folks. I am in need of an outlet. Some way to de-stress. Get all my thoughts out at the end of the day/week/month/whatever... So here I am. On blogger. Just like thousands of others. All of us hoping (even if it's hidden deep down) that someone will read what we write here and we'll be "discovered." Or that someone will at least empathize and relate to the trials, excitements, and adventures that are our self-indulgent lives. I'm not aiming for much of that. I don't think? (Like I said, it's hidden deeeeeep! That need for approval and confirmation from the other beings who make up the human race.) 

                                                                                                                            This is what they look like. I'm sure of it.

Yeah. We're subconciously seeking the approval of guys like this. Depressing Much?

Anyways. Back to me.

Because as we all well know that a blog isn't really that great without a bit of egocentrism.

So, I am a lot of things. I wear a lot of hats. Hell, I'm practically my own milliner, and in the spirit of egocentrism, you'll be hearing about all of those things on here. Preview? Why, of course! 

I'm a wife.

Aren't we adorable???? Awe!!!

The mother of two b-e-a-uuuuuutiful children.

You know you spell it that way too. Thank you Jim Carrey.

A seamstress.

I altered and made a custom bustle for this wedding gown!

Here's the Stitch. Custom designs and alterations of any kind! 

A dancer.

That's not me, I'm fat and out of shape, but we'll definitely be working on that.

A dieter.

I am going to lose around 90 lbs. Seriously. That will ge me down to a healthy, ideal weight.

An amateur chef.

This kinda conflicts with the dieting, but I just can't help it. I'm having a love affair with "Mastering the Art of French Cooking."

A bit of aaaa... well, you know.

Excuse my "french." It is what it is. There's no replacement for the truth.

A complainer.

I just want you to be prepared. I am what I am. I try not to be negative... but sometimes you just have to let it all out. 

A believer in the spiritual.

GOD IS LOVE. My life isn't complete without this.

A BELIEVER... of love, in miracles, and in pink.

If you don't love Audrey Hepburn, then you should. Educate yourself, people.

So, now that you have a better idea of who I am, and what this is all about, you can make an informed decision about whether or not you want to follow me, read about my life, make fun of everything I say, or whatever. I really don't care what you do with this. What's important to me is not imploding emotionally. Hopefully having this will keep that from happening. Have a great day, folks! Go live without excuses!